I was walking through the grocery store last night, picking up supplies for a work potluck today, and I almost started crying. That used to happen to me on a semi-regular basis, especially back in the days when I had some major food/eating issues I was working out. I’d be walking around the store and suddenly I would feel just overwhelmed by all the food and the choices and I’d start to feel a little panicky and could feel tears forming. I usually just leave. Pay for whatever was already in my cart and leave, whether I was done or not.
I don’t know what that feeling was about last night. I don’t think it is about the food this time. I think I feel stressed because I feel like I am slipping: physically, financially, and emotionally. I feel like I have lost some ground in areas where I have made huge improvements in my life in the last few years and that sucks.
I’ve been feeling a bit down the last couple of weeks, a combination of feeling financial stress, feeling anxiety from work things, feeling nervous about winter weather (sounds silly, I know, but I hate driving in winter weather), and feeling discouraged about my training. I am not going to end up doing a race this month. I had one picked out for last weekend but I didn’t train at all for it and it seemed stupid to throw away $20 for a race I haven’t trained for.
I think the thing I am realizing is that when you live somewhere were the weather is iffy at best for outdoor training and you have a small child and you have a job, you have to have a plan A, plan B, and plan C to get the training done or it gets really easy really fast to just not do anything. That’s where I am at right now. It has been over a week since I’ve done anything and part of that is from having a total lack of plan B and C. Part of that is a feeling of inertia. I know I’ll feel better if I get going again.
Last night I started reading a new book and it is not so good. It’s not so goodness makes me annoyed. I think I could write a book and I think it could be better than the one I started last night. Perhaps I am being overly confident about my writing abilities, and I know I am being the ultimate blogger cliché: blogger who wants to write a book, but there it is.
So what did I do last night? I kept reading the stupid book until I was tired and then went to sleep. Helpful.
The two things I want most in the new year: to really see what I can do athletically (to really train in a consistent way) and to do less reading of crappy books and more writing.