Today is one of those days that, for a whole variety of reasons, I find myself thinking about alternate universe me.
Alternate universe me is, basically, the me that I imagine would have existed if I had made some major life decisions differently. What if I had been smarter with money when I was younger? What if I had decided that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom? What if I had gone to grad school for something different? What if we hadn’t moved from Arizona, what if we hadn’t bought that house or if I hadn’t quit this job or that one?
Where would I be? Would I be happy? I tend to like this current version of my life pretty well, but is this the best possible version or could I have done something differently and had an even better outcome?
One of the defining characteristics of my adult life has been restlessness. Since I graduated from college I’ve had eight jobs, ten homes, lived in four cities and two different countries. I would argue that I’ve been moving forward in life, my current job is for sure a result of ambition to advance in my career, not just moving for movings sake, but I wonder sometimes if/when I’ll ever really settle into a job or a house.
For the sake of my husband and my kiddo, I know that at a certain point I’ll need to stay put for a while. And I’m okay with that (some days relieved by the thought of it, really) but I wonder if I’ll ever stop wondering if there was another version of me that I could be if I done things differently.
I think there are about eight different futures I can imagine for myself most days and some versions cancel out other versions, so I don’t know exactly where to aim.
Perhaps what I really need to do is to stop all this navel gazing and just get shit done today. Yeah, that’s probably what I need to do.