Things I’ve Learned (way too early in the morning)

I have to get up early these days.

Really early.

I have to be at work by 7:30am and now that my morning routine involves having to pump milk and trying to do a tiny bit of exercise to start the day, I’m up while it is still dark.

My days start with 20 minutes on the couch, attached to the electric baby, making bottles for my girl who is still sweetly sleeping upstairs. The thing about pumping is that it sucks (ha!). It isn’t painful exactly, but it isn’t pleasant either and it can be a high anxiety thing (am I making enough? How many ounces will I get today?) so I’ve found that is really important to distract myself while doing it.

So I watch TV or scroll through my Twitter feed on my phone. And I learn.

I’ve learned that:

– I’m probably fat but there are a whole host of products out there that could help. I can have my butt Brazilian butt lifted, I can let Jillian Michael or Shawn T or some other intensely cut and sweaty person get me into shape for 3 payments of $19.99 or more, or I can watch PBS which this morning had a middle age lady doing bicep curls in time to a Merle Haggard song on before the kids show started.

– I probably have stupid hair or wrinkles and could use a hair care or skin care system to fix it. It seems very, very important that it be a “system” and not just that worthless individual stuff one could buy at a store.

– apparently being “expedited to express delivery” is a major perk.

– MTV still shows music videos. And so does VH1.

– The only people up on Twitter in the early morning hours are either A) mothers of infants or B) European

– TLC still really loves the Duggar family

– The Duggar family still vaguely creeps me out

– You can buy cattle off of channel 76 (The Rural Network)

– There is such a thing as The Rural Network

The biggest lesson so far, though?

20 minutes can be a long ass time when you find yourself considering watching a livestock auction as a viable choice because you’ve already watched the Insanity infomercial twice this  week.

(Also, please feel free to make a lot of fun of me if, in the next couple weeks, I announce I’ve purchased the Insanity system. It is wearing me down, that infomercial.)

(or if I buy a cow)


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