I am in a particularly navel gazey mood tonight, brought on by many hours of cleaning, organizing and purging of boxes of photos and mementos (I’m finally giving up the vision of myself as a scrapbooker and getting rid of lots of paper effluvia that I’ve been lugging around through five moves and two states).
I found myself looking at pictures of teenage and college me and reflecting on how my life has turned out versus what I thought my life would be like at this stage. I’m more successful in my work life than I think I expected to be and I certainly never expected to live in Iowa, though I’m generally happy here. I had hoped to be married and to have children and of course I am and I do, but, of course, both of those statuses bring with them challenges and joys I couldn’t have imagined as a 15, 20 or even 25 year old.
I felt sad though, realizing that some of the things that bothered me about myself one and even two decades ago still bother me now. I still spend far too much time thinking about what I weigh and how my body looks. I’m still not happy about the state of my physical self and I don’t think I have been for even one day in my adult life and that depresses and exhausts me. I keep thinking I’ll get it figured out some day, that I’ll find the routine and the will power I need (I hear my husband’s voice saying “it isn’t about will power, it is about self care” and he is right but that isn’t what my brain thinks when I am standing on the scale, sighing again at the number).
I’m not sure what do with this just now. Just unpacking it here for now.
Quick, think of the top three things you enjoy doing.
Thinking, thinking, thinking.
Okay, so here is my question.
Do the top three things you say you enjoy doing actually match the top three things you do when you have free time?
Yeah, me neither.
(watching TV, mindlessly zoning on Twitter and constantly checking Facebook are not how I allegedly want to spend my free time… and yet…)
I think I am going to take a TV/nightly internet break this week. A little electronic media diet, effective 7pm every night.
I have a stack of books that deserve some attention.