Disconnections

I am in a particularly navel gazey mood tonight, brought on by many hours of cleaning, organizing and purging of boxes of photos and mementos (I’m finally giving up the vision of myself as a scrapbooker and getting rid of lots of paper effluvia that I’ve been lugging around through five moves and two states).

I found myself looking at pictures of teenage and college me and reflecting on how my life has turned out versus what I thought my life would be like at this stage. I’m more successful in my work life than I think I expected to be and I certainly never expected to live in Iowa, though I’m generally happy here. I had hoped to be married and to have children and of course I am and I do, but, of course, both of those statuses bring with them challenges and joys I couldn’t have imagined as a 15, 20 or even 25 year old.

I felt sad though, realizing that some of the things that bothered me about myself one and even two decades ago still bother me now. I still spend far too much time thinking about what I weigh and how my body looks. I’m still not happy about the state of my physical self and I don’t think I have been for even one day in my adult life and that depresses and exhausts me. I keep thinking I’ll get it figured out some day, that I’ll find the routine and the will power I need (I hear my husband’s voice saying “it isn’t about will power, it is about self care” and he is right but that isn’t what my brain thinks when I am standing on the scale, sighing again at the number).

I’m not sure what do with this just now. Just unpacking it here for now.

*************************

Quick, think of the top three things you enjoy doing.

Thinking, thinking, thinking.

Okay, so here is my question.

Do the top three things you say you enjoy doing actually match the top three things you do when you have free time?

Yeah, me neither.

(watching TV, mindlessly zoning on Twitter and constantly checking Facebook are not how I allegedly want to spend my free time… and yet…)

I think I am going to take a TV/nightly internet break this week. A little electronic media diet, effective 7pm every night.

I have a stack of books that deserve some attention.

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2 thoughts on “Disconnections

  1. Gretchen says:

    One of my top 3 things is getting out with my camera and taking lots of pictures and seeing what I got when I get home. And I actually did that Saturday. My new year’s resolution was Don’t be afraid. I got out to Ledges and couldn’t find clear parking where I wanted it, didn’t want to walk all the way in and out, blah blah blah. But I parked and did the walk in the snow and sun and it was great!

  2. Tracy D. says:

    My top three things are writing, baking and crafting. I do none of those when I have downtime. I am writing these days, but not for me, not the novel I dream of writing, just articles of publication. I am with you 🙂 Techno diet sounds like a good plan. As far as the weight focus goes, I feel your pain. It isn’t about will power, it isn’t even about self-care for me. I don’t have any will power and I never put myself first (even if I should). For me it is about making a plan, committing it to a HP and following my plan. So far so good. We’ll see if I can keep it up. Without a plan, I am all over the place and then I get fatter, no matter how well I think I am doing. My goal is to someday forgive myself for all of the self-abuse and to just be happy with where I am, not matter where that is…maybe dreaming about it and pretending will get me there eventually.

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