Good morning, Miss Evelyn. As you know, you recently celebrated one year with our organization so it is time for your first performance evaluation. Please note that while this is an opportunity to recognize your accomplishments, it is also a time to provide you some constructive feedback to ensure your continued success here in the Monkey family organization.
Mama and Dada The management do wish a long and successful future for you. Now, on to your evaluation:
1. General temperament and personality: EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS
You are scrappy and curious and snugly (please note, snugly is valued highly in this organization) and generally so easy going, except when you are being thwarted. Please note that you will continue to be thwarted on a regular basis (lets not discuss the toilet incident or what you did to that box of tampons or the recent “eating mud” incident as well) so we encourage you to work on finding more constructive outlets for your curiosity…speaking of which: stop messing with the electrical outlets.
2. Napping: NEEDS IMPROVEMENT
You shown real potential in this area (that two hour one last Saturday? Brilliant!) but there is a lack of consistency here that is troubling. You are little, you need sleep. Management needs a mid-day break sometimes. Let’s keep working on this one.
3. Eating: EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS
You’ll happily eat anything, though sometimes we do need to remind you to try to limit yourself to things that are actually food. Management is considering putting you in charge of an eating vegetables training program designed to improve the performance in this area for your slightly more experienced colleague who is striving for an “all pizza, all the time” diet that is not in keeping with the company policy on mealtime.
4. Collegiality: MEETS EXPECTATIONS
While it is true that you and your colleague often work very well together (see last nights extend game of “chase me and I chase you”) it must be noted that you are occasionally prone to being awfully territorial when it comes to who get to sit in management’s lap. Please note that management’s lap is for all employees and snuggles are to be equally distributed, even if that makes you holler.
5. Biting: NEEDS IMPROVEMENT
We celebrate your four teeth but implore you to stop using them to bite management.
6. Gross Motor Skills: EXCEEDS EXPECTATIONS
You started walking months ago (before, frankly, management was ready for it) and have been observed kicking the soccer ball, moving furniture around the living room, engaged in unsanctioned climbing activities and are now fully capable of making it both up and down the basement stairs. Management is impressed but wary.
7. Verbal expression: MEETS EXPECTATIONS
You seem to have three or four words (Mama, Dada, Hi and Uh Oh) but the fact that you use Uh Oh more than any other word is telling, little person, telling indeed.
Overall assessment: You are a fine and valued member of this organization, one who regularly makes the management say “ooh, I love that girl”. We have every confidence in your continued success here…but let’s work on the biting, okay?