1. A child who has been hiding behind a chair, grunting, who then says “I not poopy Mama! Not poopy!” is a liar.
2. A child how is in bed and doesn’t want to be and then cries “I poopy! I poopy” may also be a liar but you have to check and so the poop card is the ultimate bedtime stall tactic.
3. If you let your curious five year old “help” you wax your legs, you are dumb and deserve whatever pain you get as a consequence.
4. If you order a pepperoni pizza with bell peppers on it, you are a MONSTER and even with the peppers removed, the pizza will forever be tainted.
5. If you refuse to order another pizza, you must not love your children and should probably start saving for their therapy right now.
6. To really experience what “futility” feels like, practice saying “no running” or “no running feet” every time you see a child run in the house. Marvel at how it absolutely does nothing to slow down the rate of travel.
6a. You can also try “be careful” for the same useless feeling
6b. “Gentle hands” also seems to be nicely ineffectual at creating lasting change
7. No toy is ever as interesting as the toy your sibling just started playing with.
8. You have to survive about 15 minutes of “I’m bored” before your five year old will finally go do something. Surviving the 15 minutes without solving his boredom problem is critical to him figuring out how to entertain himself. Do not hand him your phone.
9. The first time you let your child cross the street by themselves so they can walk over to a neighbor’s house will feel like an impossibly big milestone.
10. If you buy an almost two year old cowboy boots you’d better be prepared for cowboy boots with every possible outfit.