How to Do A Toddler’s Hair in 37 Easy* Steps

* Um, “easy”.

1. Notice that E.’s hair, which was washed and put in twists a few days ago is starting to look a little fuzzy.

bath (fuzz head, with bonus forehead bruise)

2. Check her head and notice that there appear to be gravel in her hair. Apparently the plastic hard hat she has been wearing for digging the ever growing hole in the backyard isn’t helping keep her from dumping shovelfuls of dirt on her own head.


3. Casually, so as to not spook her or to let her know my intentions, come up behind her and attempt to remove the rubber band on one of her twenty twists. Very gently tug rubber band…

4. Stand back as E. shakes her head back and forth while shouting “No! No pretty hair!”

5. Distract her with a Lego guy. Use ninja skills to get rubber band out.

6. Catch her as she tries to escape out the backdoor.

7. Repeat steps 3-6.

8. Turn TV on to the very rarely used Disney Jr channel, watch as E emerges from hiding under the table, drawn in by the sounds of Doc McStuffins.

9. Get her to sit on my lap to watch the show. Use ninja skills to get rubber band out.

10. Repeat steps 4-9

11. Threaten to turn off TV unless she lets me take rubber bands out.

12. Turn off TV

13. Comfort crying toddler.

14. Turn on TV, remind her to sit still. Ninja skills, etc.

15. Remove ten rubber bands as she gets absorbed in show. Confirm suspicion that this isn’t hurting her, just annoying her as she doesn’t want to have to stop playing.

16. Ask her is she wants a bath. Watch as she runs toward the tub so fast that almost crashes into the bathroom door. Girlfriend loves the tubby time.

17. Gather supplies: her special shampoos, hair pick, shea butter cream for after bath, rat tail comb to get out tangles.

18. Deposit child in tub with an assortment of toys. Use ninja skills to get final few rubber bands out.

19. Watch as child uses the big red cup to pour water on her own face. Use cup to pour water on her hair, endure screaming.

20. Apply and later shampoo.

21. Tell child to lay back in tub for a rinse.

22. Tell child to sit down in the tub

23. Tell child to SIT DOWN IN THE TUB

24. Watch child try to steal the big red cup so it can’t be used to rinse hair. Steal it back. Tell her to lay back so no shampoo gets in her eyes.


26. Give up on the getting her to lay down in the tub, dump water on her head to rinse shampoo.

27. Sigh as the second I am done rinsing her hair (amidst fierce protests) she does this:

BeFunky_bath girl.jpg You’re killing me, smalls.

28. Put a ridiculous amount of conditioner in my hands. Rub it through her hair until her hair is practically white with it.

29. Pick, pick, pick.

30. Fail to notice that child has refilled big red cup. Get up to dry off pants and floor.

31. Pick, comb, pick, comb.

32. Dodge big red cup as she dumps water over her head as she cheerfully hollers “I swimming!”

33. Removed pruned child from tub, swaddle in towel. Think she is the cutest thing:

BeFunky_bath towel.jpg

34. Let her admire her springy curls


35. Contemplate rebraiding her hair. Decide I don’t want to spend the next 40 minutes on it.

36. Feeling tired, deposit child in bed.

37. Check on her and discover getting her hair done must be exhausting for both of us:BsyU8jZCAAA70Gn (Completely sound asleep)

Total time: 1 hour, 37 minutes.



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