Here is a thing I’ve noticed about parenting: you have to feed your children. Every day. Even if you just fed them the day before.
In fact, despite the fact that they are content to live on a diet of air molecules, cheese crackers and fruit snacks, you are actually supposed to feed them actual meals every day. With vegetables and stuff.
Crazy. What a racket this parenting gig is.
Given that I, you know, love these little freeloaders and don’t wish for them to develop Goldfish induced scurvy, I do indeed feed them on a nightly basis (Mr. Monkey has the day shift. I have every confidence he keep them well supplied with sippy cups of milk and an assortment of carb based meals, as is their strong desire). I have even weaned them off of eating in front of the TV and am in the process of trying to get out of the habit of making separate meals for them. They get fruit and vegetables every day and dessert many days. According to “the rules” (also known as the social pressure I feel based on other people’s descriptions of their children’s far superior nutrition and meal habits), I do okay most days.
And yet, the average dinner still sounds like this:
“Miles, get in your seat”
“Ev, get in your seat”
“Seriously, both of you get in your chairs”
(Evelyn, after taking one bite of food) “I full”
“Miles, stop tipping your chair back”
“No, we don’t put Goldfish in our hair”
“I don’t like that”
“You’ve never tried that. You have to try one bite before you say ‘no thank you’”
“Yes, you do have to try a bite of that. It is a plain noodle. One bite.”
“Seriously, one bite.”
“Um, Mama? I don’t mean to say this, but this is disgusting to me”
“I get Foofa!…”
“Ev, sit in your chair!”
“No lovies at the table”
‘Foofa so sad! Foofa crying and crying!”
“No lovies at the table, Foofa needs to suck it up.”
(I sit down to take my first bite of rapidly cooling food) “I need milk!” “Me too!”
“Nooooooo…..I want my pink cup…..not that cup!”
“Why is there pudding on the floor?”
“SIT IN YOUR CHAIRS, both of you”
(Evelyn eats three bites of food) “I be escused?”
And lather, rinse and repeat for the next 25 minutes.
And the next day.
And the next…
And the next…
These children are lucky they are so damn cute.