When I was growing up, my cousin P. seemed like the coolest possible person to emerge from my extended family. She was smart and funny and had a boyfriend who drove a red sports car. This was very impressive to my 10 year old self.
Due to geography and time and probably some family dynamics, I’m not especially close with my extended family. Thanks to Facebook, I know more of them then I might otherwise, but it has been years since I’ve seen some of my many cousins (I have at least 20 first cousins, but I’m unclear on the exact number).
But today my cousin P. buried her seven year old son and I can’t stop thinking about her. I can’t- literally CANNOT, imagine what the pain of losing a 7 year old would be like because, well, I have a 7 year old. When I think too much about this, it is all I can do not to go scoop him up from school, grab his sister, and figure out some sort of elaborate carrying system that allows me to carry both of them with me all day, never out of my sight.
(this is a terrible, terrible idea of course. They’d be fighting with each other and driving me crazy in 45 seconds)
I can’t help but feel today that the whole act of becoming a mother is to walk headfirst into a world where you’ll never get to take a deep breath ever again.
Like, I’m going to carry these people IN MY BODY for 9 months and then fall into crazy stupid love with them and then I have to let them walk around in the world, where people can be mean to them and where people get sick and hurt and, yes, sometimes die?
Who came up with this system?
I feel like surviving this world as a parent means having to embrace a kind of willful ignorance. In order to live and to have kids who aren’t weirdo bubble children with deep-seated mommy issues from being hovered over relentlessly, we have to send these little breakable people out into the world and hope for the best.
Again, whose fool idea was this?
(If reading this has upset you, please apply some medicinal M&Ms to the situation. Having M&Ms will make your children find you, no matter where you hide, and then you can force them to snuggle for a minute)