Holy Days for the Candy Fiend

We are just under a week away from the pinnacle of the year for the candy fiend. My family’s preparations are underway: Miles will be Harry Potter, Ev will be a Minion (my sadness that I didn’t think to try to talk her into an owl costume a la Hedwig is GREAT), and I will be going as the mother who pilfers candy out of their bags after they go to sleep.

(I understand this to be a VERY popular costume).

As a life long candy fiend, Halloween is always a fun chance to remember the diversity of candy options out there. I am pretty conventional in my candy choices: come to me with your Snickers, your M&M’s, your Milky Ways and I am a happy person. But Halloween reminds me of all of the other choices that exist, including some candy that is, frankly, perplexing and unpalatable to me as an adult.

(child me had no standards whatsoever, except for being anti-black jelly bean. Black jelly beans taste like disappointment and child tears.)

The following candy items are the most likely to stay safe inside my children’s trick-or-treat bags:

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Okay, I don’t even know what these are called. I found them by searching “black and orange Halloween candy + awful”. I feel like if the company doesn’t care enough to label them, that is a sign that they aren’t that great. My friend Alice, who is an amazing cook, has a recipes that calls for these evil little bastards. I’d actually try them because A) Alice can cook and B) the recipe also involves Frosted Flakes, Ruffles and marshmallows. Yeeesssss.dots - CopyDots are so weird. I see the movie theatre size boxes at Walgreens and I wonder who is buying them. I don’t know anyone who wants a large box of these sticky wonders. Dots are the perfect example of candy that tastes like a color, not a flavor. Red tastes like “red” not whatever fruit it is allegedly flavored like. I’m not sure when the last time I had a Dot was, but I do know that remnants of it are still in my back teeth.

DENVER, COLO. - DECEMBER 23, 2004 - "The Jolly Rancher Candy Company was founded in Golden, Colorado, by Bill and Dorothy Harmsen in 1949. They called the company Jolly Rancher to suggest a hospitable, western company. The company originally made ice cream, chocolate and hard candy. As hard candy sales grew, however, they began to concentrate on developing their "Famous for Flavor" line of hard candies. In 1966, the Harmsens sold Jolly Rancher to Beatrice Foods, but the family continued to be involved in the day-to-day operation of the business. Leaf purchased Jolly Rancher in 1983. Hershey Foods Corporation acquired the Leaf North American confectionery operations from Huhtamaki Oy of Helsinki, Finland in 1996." (Jerry Cleveland | The Denver Post) (Photo By Jerry Cleveland/The Denver Post via Getty Images)

Jolly Ranchers: the candy for adults who love paying for dental work. I can feel my crowns loosening just by looking these dangerous suckers.

These little wrapped hard candies are the last chosen candy out of any kid’s bag. I am 100% sure of this, given that that are still a handful of these left in both of my kids’ bags from last year.

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Dum Dums are the most passive aggressive Halloween candy. Giving out Dum Dums is basically saying “FINE. I’ll give out candy but I refuse to spend actual money on buying some.”  I think the going rate is 1000 Dum Dums for a nickel or for free if you can fill your pockets with them at the bank.

To be fair, my three-year old likes these, but she also eats boogers, so there you go.

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Every year I find one or two of these peppermints at the bottom of the trick-or-treat bag. Really? REALLY? Halloween is for kids, not for elderly women with a little tickle in her throat. Nobody has ever been excited to get a peppermint hard candy for Halloween.

Finally, a not-so-gentle reminder: RAISINS ARE NOT CANDY.  Stop with that nonsense, health nuts.

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7 thoughts on “Holy Days for the Candy Fiend

  1. M.A. says:

    Sounds like someone is going to need daily pat-downs going to or from the kids’ candy stash for the next few weeks after Halloween. Plus, you left out black, white, and orange candy corn. All candy corn should be melted down and turned into candy ethanol to fuel Matchbox cars.

  2. Ellie says:

    I agree on all counts except for the dots. The next time you find yourself contemplating who the hell is buying them you now have you’re answer and can’t picture my lovely self thoroughly enjoying a big old box of doubts. Also, Milky Way is in fact a garbage candy bar. Dark chocolate Milky Way on the other hand…

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