Things I Have Said to My Children Lately

“No, ma’am, you have to wear your underwear UNDER your pants. No, that IS the rule. Underwear are NOT A HAT.”


“I’m sorry that booger didn’t taste good.”


“No thank you, I don’t want you to touch my face with your feet. Please take your toes out of my hair. No, I don’t want to lick your toe.”


“You can’t see my uterus. No, not even if I open my mouth REALLY WIDE.”


“Yes, you can wear your pajamas to the store, but they have to be clean pajamas. Yes, of course you have to wear underwear. No, I’m not kidding.”


“I’m sorry your imaginary elephant died. That is sad. But why did you put paint on the imaginary monkey?”


“You’re right– that was a big toot. No, I don’t think Dada heard it at work. No, I’m not going to call him.”


“I love you to the sun and back too.”


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