Conversations About Stock Photography

Photographer: “So glad it’s snowing tonight. I have such a specific vision!”

Model: “Great, sure. So, my agent mentioned that were asking for someone who knows how to ski?”

Photographer: “Obviously. This is a maternity photo shoot, after all”

Model: “Um, okay, but I’m not sure I should be like down hill skiing while pregnant…”

Photographer: “Sure, sure. No worries there, we’ll go for more of a cross country feel.”

Model: “Do they even make maternity ski pants?”

Photographer: “Ski pants? Why would you need ski pants?”

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***

Photographer: “We need a picture that represents teen pregnancy.”

Assistant: “Yes, yes. Something relatable. Something that would work for lots of different stories and such about teen pregnancy, because we are stock photographers.”

Photographer: “What do teens do? I mean, beside get pregnant?”

Assistant: “Homework?”

Photographer: “Yes, perfect! But what should she be wearing?”

Assistant: “Well, glasses, obviously because: school. And a pant suit.”

Photographer: “Do…do the teens wear a lot of pant suits?”

Assistant: “Of course. But only the coat and pants. No shirt. Everyone knows pregnant women love the feel of a tight suit coat against their skin. Don’t forget the push-up bra. Can’t be at homework without it.”

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***

Client: “I want a photo that says “pregnant” but also “creepy as fuck”

Photographer: “Hold my coffee. I know just what to do.”

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***

Photographer: “Just look relaxed and eat your salad.”

Model sits down, holding salad bowl

Photographer: “No, no. Relaxed. Lounge. On your side maybe?”

Model grunts as she shifts to the side.

Photographer: “Yes, yes this is a totally normal way that people eat salads. Perfect.”

 

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***

Photographer: “Okay, now you’re fun! You’re whimsical! You’re wearing baby shoes and socks tied to your bra, because that doesn’t seem insane AT ALL.”

Model: “And what if I was playing with the baby?”

Photographer: “Tell me more.”

Model: “The baby is still inside, right? But I’m playing with infant toys on my stomach. And I’ll smile so people will know that this is fun for me, a grown adult person. So. Much. FUN.”

Photographer: “Truly, you are my muse.”

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***

Photographer: “Now, imagine you’re at the world’s fanciest Cracker Barrel.”

Model: “Okay, okay, with you so far.”

Photographer: “So, what’s wrong with your outfit?”

Model: “I need to ditch the pants?”

Photographer: “Yes, but keep the teddy bear.”

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***

Male model: “But wouldn’t I have to be wearing a shirt to buy the flowers?”

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***

Model: “Wow, your ad on Craigslist was SO accurate.”

Photographer: “Like I said, this is gonna be real classy. Real, real classy.”

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