I recently renewed my subscription to the magazine Vanity Fair, despite the fact that I still have issues from four years ago that I never quite got around to reading. Vanity Fair is an interesting magazine to me in that I am so clearly not the target demographic for most of the advertisements and I don’t share their deep and on-going obsession with all things Kennedy family related. On the other hand, I do think they have some great long-form articles about topics that I didn’t know I was interested in until I was three paragraphs in. I also appreciate that they aren’t shy about noting what a massive wanker our current President is. I’m happy to support that kind of writing.
But, dudes, can we talk about how insane the advertisements targeted to people with a shit ton of money are? Let’s walk through the latest issue together.
First, a note about the cover. Natalie Portman is an undeniably gorgeous woman. But what is this facial expression? Does she need to very glamorously barf? Is she dead inside? Did she just wake up and get immediately stoned? I do not know.
And then there is this ad. Because, sure. That is the logical answer to the question “What shoes do I wear to take my bird and ropes for a walk?”
And then there is this very relatable image. She gazes to the heavens, where will her gas come from? She’d walk to get her own gas but it is taking all of her energy to keep holding her head up with those absolutely enormous sun glasses on.
I don’t even understand these two ads. What does “Play it like Hermes” even mean? Hermes was the god of sleep, animal husbandry, and thieves, fertility, and travel (among other things), so I feel like there is a lot of ground that command could cover. As for the other one, I have questions? Is that an ad for watches or lipstick? Is it a watch that needs frequent adjustments? Or a lipstick that can be used in lieu of an appropriate screwdriver? Am I just too poor to understand?
Boss: “Why are you late to work?”
Me: “My very expensive watch says to not let numbers define me and I have no idea what time it is. Time is a construct for people without money”
For when you have a job interview, ballet class, and a funeral all on the same afternoon:
I want two things in my bracelets: for them to be expensive and for them to remind me of car tires. I’m in luck!
She put on her glasses and gazed into the distance, the question never far from her mind… were the bangs a mistake?
(narrator voice: yes, yes they were)
Her bangs look stupid, but I would truly like some information on her lipstick color.
On the plus side, there is an article about feuding Popes that looks promising. And, in the context of the ads in this magazine, their fancy robes and hats look super reasonable!